Neon Genesis HAMSTERGELION
by Nickelman
Summary: Ultra Peepi returns, and Earth's only hope for survival lies in the hands of Dib and the HAMSTERGELION pilots!
1. Into the Cockpit

**Neon Genesis HAMSTERGELION**

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I do not own Evangelion or Zim, much much much better people than I do.

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**TOKYO: "FISH IN BEAR SUITS" GONE, GIANT HAMSTER CREATURES RAMPAGE AFTER FREAK METEOR LANDING, GOVERMENT SAYS TWO ARE NOT REALATED, GOSH,THIS IS A LONG HEADLINE!**

Dib looked up from a newspaper he was reading on a bench at recess.

"Giant hamsters, why does that ring a bell?" Suddenly, memories flooded back to Dib. Images of mass panic, total destruction, and giant fluffy anarchy flashed through his mind. "Peepi..." Dib's bespecticled eyes widened. "Peepi!" Dib stood up on the bench, proclaiming to his peers, "PEEPI LIVES! PEEPI LIVES! PREPARE FOR THE PEEEEEPIIIIIIIIII!" His fellow students were quiet...

...and then exploded in a uproar of laughter and ridicule.

"Hahahaha! Dib can't control his pee pee!"

"Yeah, Dib is scared of pee pee!"

The schoolyard began to chant:

"Dib is scared of pee pee! Dib is scared of pee pee!"

"No I'm-! You-!" Dib sat down, "Aw, forget it."

His little sister, Gaz, scooted away from him on the bench, not taking her eyes off the GameSlave 2. "You and your pee pee are distracting me..."

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Back at Zim's base, the computer's voice could be heard throughout the strange house.

"Warning! Master, there are-"

"SILENCE!" Zim shouted, his eyes glued to the television monitor.

_"-and we now return to When Trained Walruses Go Bad!"_

_"Now, the next trick Mr. Tootles will perform will be-"_

_"RRROOOOAOAAR!"_

_The zoo keeper looked at the giant walrus, "What's wrong, Mr. Tootles?" The beast then lunged at the man, and clamped on to his head!_

_"ARRRRHHHHHH! HE'S EATING MY BRAINS!"_

Zim laughed, "HAHA foolish human! He can't even control his pathetic earthling meat monster!"

"Master!"

"'eh?"

"A large,unknown, sentient, object has entered Earth's atmosphere."

"What is it?"

The computer was starting to get confused, "Ummm, I don't know... it's unknown."

Zim scratched his tiny head, "Ah ha... COMPUTER! GET ME A SODA!"

The computer's voice sighed, "Certainly, master."

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Dib walked home from school, the memory of the article, stuck in his large head. Suddenly a shiny black car pulled up next to him.

An atractive woman with wavy black hair, and a dark trench coat opened the door. "You Dib?"

"What if I am?"

The woman smiled, "Then we might have just found the savior of mankind." She pulled out a small black taser and struck Dib's neck with it.

"AARRRGGG!" Dib fell to the ground as the electricity coursed through his body. "OW! That hurt!"

"Oh sorry," The woman turned a small switch on the device, "I forgot, you have to turn the switch to _stun._" She hit him again.

"AAAARRRGGG!" Dib screamed even louder, and fell to the ground, unconcious.

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Dib woke up in a strange, large building. His father, Professor Membrane, looked down on him from above.

"Hello son!"

"Dad?" Dib got up off the ground, "Where are we?"

"Well son, right now we are in the," Prof. Membrane shot his hands into the air, making flashy hand motions, "HAM docking bay!"

"Ham?"

"Now Dib, I know that you're not interested with the strange, strange things that have been going on in the world."

"You're wrong! I-"

"Shh! Shh! Shh! Let me finish! Your small, innocent mind has been sheltered from all the evil in the world, but now, it's time for you to grow up!" Membrane motioned over a large raised catwalk behind him, to a large bright brown machine. The platform they'd been standing on, moved towards the catwalk. "This is my pride and joy!" There stood the behemoth. A tall, slender, humanoid battle mech, with a large jagged head, and a pair of giant, goofy, buck teeth. "The Hamstergelion Battle Unit 01." The profesor strode on to the catwalk, his son listening intently. "You see, latley, GIANT HORRIBLE HAMSTER CREATURES, have been atacking major cities across the world. To combat this latest evil, the wonderful PROFESSOR MEMBRANE and PROFESSOR MEMBRANE INDUSTRIES (The people who brought you SUPER TOAST) have developed a bio-mechanical fighting machine to fight these horrible monsters and SAVE THE EARTH!"

"Wow," Dib put his hand on the cold metal of the giant machine, "How does it work?"

"I'm glad you asked that question," Membrane pulled a remote control out of his coat and pressed a button. A large floating armchair shot itself under Dib, complete with a cupholder holding a large soda and recliner. "Comfortable?"

"Umm, I guess."

"Good," Professor Membrane pressed another button, summoning a hovering T.V. screen. "Enjoy!"

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_A dark voice set the scene, "In the year 9034839578297589... ummm 3, the horrible, yet fuzzlie wuzzlie ADORABLE, Ultra Peepi reigned doom upon the fair people of planet earth, consuming everything in it's path. After being shot into space by a mysterious floating hotdog entity, minutes later he crashed to Earth, causing the caticalismic explosion dubed, "The Second Impact"._

_A small boy, with a single tooth faced the camera, "What was the first impact like?"_

_"SHUT UP!" The voice screeched. The boy's eyes began to tear. "Now where was I? Oh right, giant hamster. Ultra Peepi, being extremely damaged from the impact, began to self-replicate and create weaker clones of himself to distract humanity as he regenerated his mighty hamster form."_

_"That sounds horrible." The boy said, sniffling._

_"WHAT DID I JUST GET DONE TELLING YOU!" Giant metalic claws apeared from off screen, and slowly reached for the small boy._

_"AAAHHHHH!"_

_"Geez, that kid. Anyway, the fine people at MEMBRANE INDUSTRIES have devloped the Hamstergelion Battle Mech. Created with aquired cells from Ultra Peepi, the HAM, for short, is the perfect fusion of modern science, and the overwhelming power of mutant rodents. Instead of having to deal with the complicated controls of a normal 50 story combat suit, the HAM unit also integrates an emotionaly and physicaly tiring robot-pilot synchronization system, in addition to complicated controls."_

_"Well, that's all for now. You'll probably learn the rest about your HAM unit durring a random attack by the enemy at your home base, good luck!"_

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A loud alarm blared throughout the hangar. Personel scrambled to their stations.

"Well, that must be the PIPI, right on schedule." Membrane picked Dib up by his large head, "Good luck son," He then violently threw him through the open hatch in the HAM unit's back.

"Wait, Dad!" The doors of the HAM shut, locking him inside.

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Thank you SOOO MUCH for reading! Please review...

...please? Please? WHY ARE YOU STILL READING! REVIEW ALREADY!


	2. HAM Attack

**Neon Genesis HAMSTERGELION**

**Chapter 2**

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Dib sat in the dimly lit chamber.

"ENGAGE LIFE SUPPORT!""LIFE SUPPORT, ENGAGING!"

A pink liquid poured into HAM Unit cockpit.

"Aahhhh!" Dib tried to keep his large head above the rising wetness. "What is this!?" Membrane's face apeared on a holographic screen in front of him.

"Oh ho ho, don't worry, that's only a chemical mixture of life support juice. Just take it in. Don't worry, you probably won't drown."

Dib struggled as he became completely engulfed, and then took a big gulp. "Hey, I can breathe! Wow, it tastes like fruit punch in here."

"ACTIVATE SYNCHRINIZATION SYSTEMS!""SYNCHRINIZATION SYSTEMS, ACTIVATING!"

The head of the giant robot rose, and gave a mighty roar from it's fearsome, buck-toothed jaw. Inside the cockpit, two small, metalic, leech-like objects attached themselves to Dib's head.

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Membrane stood behind a team of engeniers, who were typing away at a large computer mainframe.

"Sir! Sync ratio at 40 percent!"

"40 percent?" the Professor brought a gloved hand to his face and shook his head. "He'll barely be able to walk at this rate! His gigantic head should have made him a fantastic candidate for HAM combat. Why must I be cursed with such a horrible son? WHY!?!

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"LAUNCHING HAM UNIT 01!"

The mech was in a crouching position when the platform it was standing on began to ascend to the ceiling of the complex. The ceiling seperated into two parts. On the surface, two buildings slid away from a tall and slender figure, which was rising out of ground.

Dib looked out onto the city. "Okay, now what?"

"UNIT 01, ENGAGE THE ENEMY."

"Engage? I don't even know the controls yet?"

"SORRY 01- kssstt- YOU ARE- kssttt- BREAKING UP- kssssttt!"

"Hey! You're making fake static noises!"

"KSSSSTTTTT!!!"

"Fine, I'll just figure it out on my own." Dib put his hands on what seemed to be a pair of throttles, and pushed them both forward. Unit 01 arched it's heels, and fell flat on it's face. The machine gave an angry roar. "Sorry!" Dib began to push and pull the levers in a slow sucsession. 01 got up, and started lumbering forward with awkward, uneven steps.

"Hey I think I've got it! Now, where's this monster thing I have to fight?" Just then, what appeared to be a large brown pellet jettisoned itself at 01's head. Inside the cockpit an electric jolt coursed through Dib.

"OOWWW! Hey, that hurt! Why does it hurt?"

"I can answer that!" Professor Membrane's face returned. "We decided to integrate a Pilot-HAM Five Senses Neuro System."

"So like, I can taste what the robot tastes?"

"Ummmm, kinda... hey look! It's attacking again!"

A giant furry claw grabbed 01 by the face and threw it over 20 city blocks, destroying several buildings along the way. A large, red, fluffy rodent, wearing a skull-like mask, gave a great howl.

"Alright," Dib said as 01 once again rose to it's gargantuan feet. "You wanna play? Let's pl-" Another giant, this time sharp, hamster pellet hit 01, impaling it against a skyscraper.

"SHEILDS POWERING DOWN!"

"ENERGY SOURCES FAILING!"

Dib blacked out.

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Sorry for the longggg delay in update. Thanks for reading. Please review, I'll update very soon!


	3. Pig's Feet

**Neon Genesis HAMSTERGELION**

**Chapter 3**

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Dib opened his eyes, only to see an unfamiliar ceiling. Suddenly, in place of the ceiling took a wrinkled and scowling face.

"Geez, you're pathetic..." Ms. Bitters, Dib's teacher from skool, stood over him as he came back to conciousness in a bleached white hospital room with a single open window next to his bed.

"Uggggg, what happened?" Dib asked, as he sat up and began massaging his head.

"Of course you don't remember, you only defeated one of the most destructive forces in the universe."

Dib leaned forward, "Ms. Bitters, do you know what happened?!"

Ms. Bitters scoffed, "I could tell you, but then you'd probably just get annoying".

"Please, I need to know what happened..."

"Fine," Ms. Bitters began, "Here's what happened..."

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_I was taking my monthly trip to the grocery store for pig's feet and shoe polish, when I saw the stupidest thing I'd ever seen in my life._

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HAM Unit 01 was pinned against a skyscraper. The behemoth Pipi lumbering towards it with gigantic steps.

"Uhhhhhhggg..." Dib sat, half concious in the cockpit, "It can't end, not like this..." Just then 01's head rose. It tore the giant hamster pellet out of it's belly, and began stomping towards the enemy in a frustrated manner. The Pipi stopped and cocked it's head when suddenly 01 proceded to slap it furriously, alternating hands with each blow. The Pipi staggered back, and began to groom it's head with it's giant paw.

"ROAOOAAAAARRR!" The adorable giant gave a fierce battlecry. 01 grabbed it's head under it's long arm and began to noogie it viciously.

"The core son! THE CORE! Destroy the core, and the Pipi will fall!" Professor Membrane said to Dib in the cockpit.

"-can't...control...hamster...robot...thing," Dib said weakly as his mech continued bullying it's foe by making it punch itself.

"Hmmmff. Too many giant rats about nowadays..." Ms. Bitters complained to herself as she calmly walked past the battle, grocery bags in hand.

Unit 01 pulled the Pipi to it's feet. It reached for it's waist and rummaged around through the deep fur. It then pulled a glowing red sphere out of the monster. Being slightly taller than the Pipi it dangled the ball above it's head. The Pipi tried jumping up, reaching with it's nubby arms, but with each earth shaking hop, Unit 01 held it's prize just out of the monster's reach. The Pipi lunged forward, but 01 easily held it's head back with one hand, holding the core in the other. Then, growing bored, 01 popped the glowing red ball into it's mouth. The Pipi stopped. It's lower lip began to tremble. Then, it began to shrink. Smaller and smaller, untill it was the size of your normal, everyday, hamster. Very confused, and for the most part, oblivious to what was going on around him, he began to run around in circles. Unit 01 rose it's armor plated head to the sky and gave a great belch. It's eyes then stopped glowing, and it fell backwards, drained of energy.

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"Wow," Dib said, "I did that?"

"Ho ho ho! Of course you didn't son," Professor Membrane stood in the doorway of the hospital room. "Apparently, seeing what a pathetic pilot you are, your HAM unit decided to take matters into it's own hands, and went berserk."

"Hey!" Dib exclaimed, "It's not my fault, you just threw me in there without giving me any training or anything!"

"Yeah but," Membrane put his hand over his face and shook his head. "You're just SUPPOSED to get it, that's just the way it WORKS!" He rose his hands to the air in exclaimation. "Anyhoo, I just came here to tell you that you're not allowed to live at the house anymore."

"What?!"

"Maybe that'll teach you not pass out while fighting giant monsters for the first time... again."

Dib raised his brow, "That didn't make sense...But where am I supposed to stay?!"

"Well, that's why I called your teacher here today," Membrane and Dib looked to Ms. Bitters, who had just taken a crunchy bite of a pig's foot, and was now growling at them. "You will be sleeping in the skool boiler room from now on."

"The boiler room?"

Membrane looked at a wristwatch under his gloved hand, "Oh look at the time, I'm of to go SAVE THE EARTH! Have fun Dib. We'll call you if anything comes up." Mebrane pressed a button on his goggles and teleported out of the room in a flash of blue light.

Dib looked uneasily at Ms. Bitters. She held a jar at him.

"Pig's foot?"

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THE SAGA CONTINUES! Please review!


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